Speaking Frankly About Sex, Part 2

(This is written primarily from a man’s perspective, but women need to take heed, as we are just as susceptible as men to committing sexual sin.  After all it takes two to commit adultery.)

You married the girl of your dreams.  You’ve known her since you were in high school and you’ve always known she is the only one for you and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Your dating days were heaven, you seem to get along so well and enjoy so many of the same things, and you’re convinced even more she is the one and only. Your wedding day arrives, all your friends and relatives are there to help you celebrate your special day. You see your bride walk down the aisle towards you and you think she is the loveliest thing God has put on this earth.  Your marriage is going to be the greatest of all times.

Then…reality strikes.  An 8 to 5 job to support the family, bills to pay, groceries to buy, the car breaks down. Then children come along and a whole new set of realities set in. They need clothing, cribs, car seats, and other essentials. Then they get sick and here come the doctor bills. It seems like they’re always needing something. Your marriage is not going the way you thought it would.  It’s a lot harder and it sure doesn’t look like the love nest you planned way back when.  The wife is tired from dealing with the kids all day, trying to keep the house in some semblance of order, maybe even working a job to help pay the bills.  She’s just too tired for you and all she wants to do is go to sleep.  The only interaction you seem to have with her is when you are arguing with her about money, bills and kids.

You become dissatisfied with your marriage, especially the intimacy part, because it has lost its luster, if it’s happening at all.  You start looking around you and seeing all the “fun” others are having.  That pretty young thing that sits across from you at the office is wearing something that makes her look very attractive and she’s been flirting with you for weeks.  You start to fantasize how your life might be if she were your wife and not the one at home that’s too tired for you.  So you start just a little here and a little there to flirt back with this pretty young thing.  You tell her how nice she looks, how you would like to take her to lunch sometime, just to talk and to get to know her better.  What seems so innocent at the time turns into something that you never expected. Next thing you know you are meeting in hotel rooms, telling your wife you have to work late, lying to her about where you’ve been and with whom. 

Does this sound familiar?  Has this happened to you or someone you know?  How did it start? This is not just a man’s problem, it’s also a women’s problem when she starts looking elsewhere instead at her husband.

Jesus told the disciples during the Sermon on the Mount:

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”– Matthew 5:28

In Mark he tell the Pharisees and teachers of the law, just where it starts:

“For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” – Mark 7:21-23 (emphasis mine)

It begins, when you let your heart wander away from your spouse, and you start looking elsewhere to find sexual fulfillment. This includes pornography, adultery and when you fantasize about having sex with someone other than your spouse.  The verse in Matthew 5 says just looking upon a woman lustfully (desiring or fantasizing about having sex with her) you have already committed adultery in your heart.  You don’t even have to touch her.

King David knew something about this process of allowing your heart to wonder into desiring another woman (II Samuel 11). He not only committed adultery, but he tried to cover it up and ended up murdering and losing his baby son because of it.

Later, his son, Solomon wrote:

“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?  Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?  For your ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all your paths.” – Proverbs 5: 15-21 (emphasis mine)

In the book of Malachi we see God desires for a man and his wife to be faithful to each other:

“…You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.  Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.  So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. ‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.” – Malachi 2: 13-16 (emphasis mine)

How can we guard against Adultery? First, realize that God is a witness to your marriage covenant and your ways are in full view of the Lord.  Second, remember that you are to love your wife as Jesus loved the church (Ephesians 5:23). He loved her so much that he gave up everything and came to the earth to save her, even to the point of sacrificing his own life for her. Third, guard your heart by not looking at another woman wishing she was yours.  When tempted pray and ask for strength to resist the urge to sin. Let fleeting thoughts, stay that way…fleeting. Don’t dwell on ungodly thoughts, they lead to sin.  It all boils down to having our heart set upon God’s Word and living by the spirit, and not by the flesh.

“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love…” – Ecclesiastes 9:9